Saturday, March 04, 2006
Aftermath
After reading the story of my first time, you might be thinking about your own experience, or you might be thinking one of a couple things about me: Get over it, she wanted it, too; or, you really are a bastard, just another guy having the little head think for the big one. You got what you deserved.
Both views are probably right to some degree. It took me a long time to get over it, to even begin to forgive myself. She once expressed some bitterness to a friend of mine over the end of the relationship, and I, when hearing that without hearing exactly what she said, replied, "She's right. Whatever she says, I was to blame for the end of that relationship. I treated her poorly, and I will always regret it."
Here's where I am with it now, more than 20 years later. I don't regret that the relationship ended. It had to. We weren't compatible beyond volleyball.
I don't even regret that it happened. You gotta have a first time, and most people's stories are bad ones in some way. I would have liked it to play out a bit differently, but I'll get to that.
I do regret my treatment of her. It's the how it happened and how I treated her thereafter that I regret. (I didn't hit her or anything; that would never be me. I just withdrew emotionally, like she did that night, only I kept it up till it was over.)
She deserved better. Eventually, we did get to the point, a few years later, where we could talk in a friendly way. But it would only happen when our volleyball paths crossed.
Here's what should have happened, in my view.
Very best would have been if I had been honest with myself and her much earlier, realized I just didn't feel that way about her and broken it off. It never would have come to the point it did.
But even if we stayed together just because, well, it's nice to be with someone even if you have no long-term plans, it could have been better.
In that weekend, I seemed utterly incapable of rational thought. You hear teenagers getting advised about avoiding decisions in the heat of the moment, and is that ever good advice, from my experience. But I had a friend, a girl, a couple years younger than me who, in high school, decided beforehand with her boyfriend that they were ready to go all the way. They talked it out, they made a decision about birth control, they acquired it, cleared the calnendar and then they proceeded to start sexual activity. That was her first time. The relationship didn't work out in the end, but I don't think she has ever expressed regrets over having sex with him. So it is possible.
That would have been the next best model. She told me early on she was going to be my first. We should have started talking about birth control then. It would have been an easy conversation since I had condoms already. She would have had the knowledge and we would have made plans to use them, and when we started we'd have been in a better place.
But even with none of that happening, it still could have been better. When she said go for it and reiterated that she wanted to do it, I asked the right question, "Are you protected?" When she said no, I had the wrong response. That was the moment, the best moment. If I just said "Hang on," and dug up a rubber from the trusty hiding spot, we would have been golden. Heck, I probably would have even lasted longer than two minutes with my rascal wrapped.
To this day, I still occasionally masturbate thinking about that night (with the better outcome in the fantasy rather than the reality). So I'm convinved we wouldn't have ended like we did, if we had started sex on the better moment and had been smart about using b/c.
With those factors going, the relationship is sexually active and lasts longer, though, ultimately I believe it would have ended anyway at some point. We just weren't right for each other. It happens.
I did learn a lot. I learned the worst side of me, which is good but painful knowledge to have. I also learned how not to treat a woman.
Even with what happened, just that weekend and in the very little time spent having sex, I learned a lot about it that made me better the next time with the next woman.
In a strange way, it gave me self-confidence, even as it wrecked self-esteem. Hey, I had struck out with girls through high school. Now I knew a woman could indeed find me attractive, even sexually desireable. That, in fact, helped there be a next time (even if I felt I didn't deserve a next time). The next three women, including my partner today, were all attractive, fun, good, desireable women. Those might not have happened without that grain of confidence gained from the first.
(The second woman really helped me get over the self-esteem issues, and made me see I did deserve a next time, even though I handled the first time poorly).
I also learned about female desire, even if those lessons seem hard to ingrain in me. But more on that next time.
It doesn't seem like these show up in searches, so I don't know if this blog will ever be read. It would be great to have feedback though.
Both views are probably right to some degree. It took me a long time to get over it, to even begin to forgive myself. She once expressed some bitterness to a friend of mine over the end of the relationship, and I, when hearing that without hearing exactly what she said, replied, "She's right. Whatever she says, I was to blame for the end of that relationship. I treated her poorly, and I will always regret it."
Here's where I am with it now, more than 20 years later. I don't regret that the relationship ended. It had to. We weren't compatible beyond volleyball.
I don't even regret that it happened. You gotta have a first time, and most people's stories are bad ones in some way. I would have liked it to play out a bit differently, but I'll get to that.
I do regret my treatment of her. It's the how it happened and how I treated her thereafter that I regret. (I didn't hit her or anything; that would never be me. I just withdrew emotionally, like she did that night, only I kept it up till it was over.)
She deserved better. Eventually, we did get to the point, a few years later, where we could talk in a friendly way. But it would only happen when our volleyball paths crossed.
Here's what should have happened, in my view.
Very best would have been if I had been honest with myself and her much earlier, realized I just didn't feel that way about her and broken it off. It never would have come to the point it did.
But even if we stayed together just because, well, it's nice to be with someone even if you have no long-term plans, it could have been better.
In that weekend, I seemed utterly incapable of rational thought. You hear teenagers getting advised about avoiding decisions in the heat of the moment, and is that ever good advice, from my experience. But I had a friend, a girl, a couple years younger than me who, in high school, decided beforehand with her boyfriend that they were ready to go all the way. They talked it out, they made a decision about birth control, they acquired it, cleared the calnendar and then they proceeded to start sexual activity. That was her first time. The relationship didn't work out in the end, but I don't think she has ever expressed regrets over having sex with him. So it is possible.
That would have been the next best model. She told me early on she was going to be my first. We should have started talking about birth control then. It would have been an easy conversation since I had condoms already. She would have had the knowledge and we would have made plans to use them, and when we started we'd have been in a better place.
But even with none of that happening, it still could have been better. When she said go for it and reiterated that she wanted to do it, I asked the right question, "Are you protected?" When she said no, I had the wrong response. That was the moment, the best moment. If I just said "Hang on," and dug up a rubber from the trusty hiding spot, we would have been golden. Heck, I probably would have even lasted longer than two minutes with my rascal wrapped.
To this day, I still occasionally masturbate thinking about that night (with the better outcome in the fantasy rather than the reality). So I'm convinved we wouldn't have ended like we did, if we had started sex on the better moment and had been smart about using b/c.
With those factors going, the relationship is sexually active and lasts longer, though, ultimately I believe it would have ended anyway at some point. We just weren't right for each other. It happens.
I did learn a lot. I learned the worst side of me, which is good but painful knowledge to have. I also learned how not to treat a woman.
Even with what happened, just that weekend and in the very little time spent having sex, I learned a lot about it that made me better the next time with the next woman.
In a strange way, it gave me self-confidence, even as it wrecked self-esteem. Hey, I had struck out with girls through high school. Now I knew a woman could indeed find me attractive, even sexually desireable. That, in fact, helped there be a next time (even if I felt I didn't deserve a next time). The next three women, including my partner today, were all attractive, fun, good, desireable women. Those might not have happened without that grain of confidence gained from the first.
(The second woman really helped me get over the self-esteem issues, and made me see I did deserve a next time, even though I handled the first time poorly).
I also learned about female desire, even if those lessons seem hard to ingrain in me. But more on that next time.
It doesn't seem like these show up in searches, so I don't know if this blog will ever be read. It would be great to have feedback though.
